Enough already with the thinking

It is 9:30 and V is down for his morning nap. You never know if these will be 40 minutes long, or 3 hours long. This kind of puts you in a weird 'no man's land' of not knowing what to do. Do you start a project just to have to abandon it and potentially leave a big mess that can't be cleaned up until the next nap time? Do you do some chores? Dishes are fine, but can you run the vacuum? Should you do what all the baby books say to do and take a nap at the same time as the boy? But you just downed 20 ounces of coffee in order to be able to entertain the boy from 7-8:30am. It won't be a very relaxing nap with that much caffeine running through your veins.

So I just finished the morning dishes and started baking a new loaf of bread and then made the mistake of looking through my February American Women's Association newsletter. It is really a good source of information on what is going on in Vienna - what classes are being held at the AWA HQ - what art exhibits are happening, etc. But for someone like me, it is also a great source of intimidation and self doubt.

The association is filled with either wealthy wives of diplomats and high powered businessmen, or highly educated, successful, relaxed and confident women. The former are easy to ignore, but it is the latter who unintentionally fill me with anxiety.

This morning I read up on another new member who is a lawyer, specializing in legal aid and who is very sweet and confident (I have met her) and of course adorable.

It is very hard for me to befriend these woman who would probably turn out to be great friends. It is my own insecurity that prevents a connection. They bip and bop through their days and I obsess about what I haven't done, or the stupid things I have done and said.

If they talk about having to wait for the repairman to fix a leaky sink in their home, I keep thinking about how I am a 33 year old living in an rented apartment. They talk about dealing with some Austrian bureaucrat and I stress about how bad my German is, even after having lived here for 5 years. They talk about activities with their friends and I feel my guts wretch over how few friendships I have developed here and how rarely I make contact even with these friends.

You can see how this kind of thinking can prevent the very thing you want - which is to simply relax and connect and feel some level of self worth.

I feel that what is in order here is a modern day full frontal lobotomy. Not with the hanger up the nose - or is that how the Egyptians mummified people? - but just a nice little outpatient procedure to remove the anxiety junk and leave the mind all calm and jellylike. Of course there is always the good with the bad, but i will gladly take forgetting my car keys and a little extra drool in order to be able to just shrug my shoulders, think that I am good enough and get on with a life.